Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
