I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
