So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
