Moan for me like Helen Keller
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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