fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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