I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
