areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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