Got a toothbrush?
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I wear drunk well.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
