loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
