Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Moan for me like Helen Keller
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
