Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
