I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize