Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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