forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
