I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
