i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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