I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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