Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
