Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
im holly from the hills drunk
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
