i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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