Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
