i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
