I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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