just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
A bitchslap is in order.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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