I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up under a house in Key West
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