you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
nutella sex= disaster
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
