just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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