Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
