You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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