The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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