it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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