i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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