If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
