Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
