I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
So squirting runs in the family.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
