Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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