guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
