K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
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