I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
