I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
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The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
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I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize