its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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