pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
