while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
