Your mouth is God's brothel.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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