A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
