Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
