Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
