Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
