When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
