The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
