they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
