You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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