You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
last night I used snow as a chaser
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