I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
