I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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