you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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