are you still at the devil's house?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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