hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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