I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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