I smell stomach acid.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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